Satan's Tragic Death
by ElfAttacker
Summary: Satan gets picked up at the club for what he thought was a harmless night, but ends up dying along the way. What? That doesn't make sense. Just read the story.


Kyle walked into the club, wanting nothing more than to return home with a fine piece of ass to have sexual relations with once and then never talk to again.

Kyle scanned the club, and one woman caught his eye.

Well actually, it wasn't a woman.

Well actually, it wasn't even a human.

Well actually, it was Satan.

Satan was in front of Jesus, doing the best hip hop dances he knew.

Jesus was like "Oh God Satan you are so fucking hot I just wanna stick my penis in your eye socket and kill a baby" Then Judas came by and, realizing that Jesus was gay, took the chance to stick a 14 foot lead pipe up Jesus' butthole. The pipe proved to be too much for Jesus, as he died on the spot.

Kyle saw that Satan no longer had a man/god/whatever to distract him. So Kyle ripped off all of his clothes and ran towards Satan.

"Satan, we will have sexual relations and make half demon babies and they will be birthed out of your ear!"Kyle screamed as he jumped off a table and forced his penis into Satan's open mouth, as Satan continued the hip hop dancing.

Satan began to choke on Kyle's penis, but decided that Kyle was a better match for himself than Jesus was, so he decided to go home with Kyle.

But Judas felt lonely, and Kyle and Satan felt bad for the guy, so they took him too. And Jesus' corpse.

Satan was in the passenger seat next to Kyle, and couldn't control his arousal long enough to wait to get to Kyle's house.

Satan pulled Judas into the front seat, ripped off the bottom half of his jaw, and began fucking his skull and throat at the same time. Satan couldn't hold it any longer, and ejaculated down Judas' throat. When the semen hit Judas' stomach, it caused him to have heartburn, and Satan then threw Judas' body out the window along with Jesus, and they made love in heaven forever. A few minutes later, Satan and Kyle arrived at Kyle's house.

Kyle blindfolded Satan, and lead him to his room, then proceeded to hit Satan over the head with a frying pan. 48 times.

While Satan was unconscious, Kyle filled Satan's butthole full of motor oil. He then cut off Satan's penis, and put it into a vase, as you would normally put flowers.

When Satan awoke, he looked at his crotch, and thought to himself "Well I guess I don't have a penis anymore, better get a boob job." And told Kyle to give him a boob job at home.

"I've got a better idea," Kyle said with a then went and grabbed his copy of Super Smash Brothers Brawl. He gently removed the disc from the case, and slowly cut the edges of Satan's mouth with it. Satan screamed out in pain, but it was useless, because Kyle had already killed all his other neighbors while Satan was... asleep. Kyle then painted Satan's face like The Joker, and carved the words "Why So Serious?" into his chest.

Then Kyle remembered he left his cookies in the oven and went to remove them before they burned. He then returned with the cookies, and fed them to Satan. WHILE THEY WERE STILL HOT. Satan couldn't stand the pain of the burning cookies, and he passed out once again.

While Satan was "asleep," Kyle slowly cut off each of his limbs, still using Super Smash Brothers Brawl. When Kyle was removing the left arm, some of Satan's blood squirted into Kyle's eye. Kyle was enraged by this. "Who the fuck lets their blood get into someone's eye? I'm gonna fucking kill him for that!" Kyle yelled at the near-lifeless Satan.

Kyle walked into his closet, and returned to Satan holding a salt shaker, a lighter, and a hand saw.

"WAKE UP YOU DIRTY MOTHER FUCKER!" Kyle screamed as he kicked Satan in the side of the head, leaving a dent. Satan looked around with a scream, and then screamed again once he realized he no longer had arms or legs.

Kyle told Satan "I wanted you to be awake for this part," and stared at him with a malicious smile for a good 2 minutes. Satan didn't know what to do. He just screamed, not knowing anything else that he was able to do since he couldn't move. Kyle looked at Satan's torso, and decided where to make his cut.

He started cutting Satan with the hand saw, the cut being right where the chest and lower torso couldn't stand the pain, and passed out again. Pussy. Kyle cut about 5 inches into Satan, all the way across the body, and decided that was good enough. He then filled the wound with salt, and the seering pain made Satan wake up, with yet another scream.

"Oh, this is the best part," Kyle said, glancing over at the , having gone to medical school for about two months before dropping out, knew all about how to burn skin to close a wound. After filling the hole in Satan full of rat poison and cocaine, he prepared to carterize Satan's skin. He held the skin together, closing the wound, and then held the flame of the lighter onto the wound until the skin started to burn together again.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT! Why me Kyle? Why couldn't you choose the black girl with the huge ass?" Satan screamed at Kyle."Because, Satan, everyone knows I like the dick," Kyle said as he pointed to the vase with Satan's penis in it. Then Kyle gently licked Satan's ear and whispered "Don't worry baby, it'll all be over soon."

He then left the room, and flooded it with a gas that made Satan pass out. Again. Kyle threw Satan into his car, and drove to the house of God.

When Kyle arrived, God was waiting for him on his door step.

"So, is the job done?" God asked Kyle in a serious tone.

"Yes lord, Satan will wake up in a couple of hours, then he will have a heart attack from the rat poison, then another heart attack from the cocaine overdose. And I even kept his penis." Kyle clapped for himself and God laughed.

"Good job son. This makes up for your belly button fetish, you will now be allowed into heaven!" God patted Kyle on the back, who then went back home and jerked off while looking at pictures of his own belly button.

Kyle recieved a phone call from God a few days later.

"Kyle, have you seen Jesus? He went missing the same day you killed Satan, and I'm really worried." God sounded like he had been crying.

"Oh yeah, Judas stuck a 14 foot lead pipe up his butthole and killed him. Sorry I couldn't stop that. Well anyways, back to jerking off! Bye!" Kyle hung up the phone without waiting for a response.


End file.
